Chapter 3, pt.1 - Story of my Life.

The car was quiet on the drive back home. The only sounds were the tires on the road and the faint hum of the radio playing a country song. I turned it up and sang along, tapping the stearing wheel with my finger tips, it calmed me down enough to think about what I was going to do about Dillan. I turned into the driveway and just sat there, I didnt want to get out of the car. I turned off the ignition and was frozen with my hands in the 10 and 2 position, too nervous to go inside. It didn't take long for Dillan to look out the kitchen window, he made a gun with his fingers and "pulled the trigger" at me. I rolled my eyes and got out of the car. I took my time walking up the steps to the back door fiddling with my keys to buy time. I looked up to see him standing there with a dumb smirk on his face, holding the door wide open for me. I stood there, arms folded. "Hello gorgeous!!" his voice boomed, much to excited to see me, "I've been waiting for you Jac, how is Callie? Mark was over here, he said she didn't come home last night." I walked past him, trying not to touch him at all. My attempt failed, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward him so fast I had no time to react. He threw me up against the fridge with so much force I heard beer bottles clattering inside. Then he stopped and inch from my face, I could feel his breath on my lips and the tip of his nose touched mine sending shivers down my spine. "You know Jacy," he whispered "you are driving me absolutally crazy lately. You have got to stop playing these games. I know you want me, and I want you so lets just get this over with alright? So we can move on with our lives." He leaned in closer so I slapped my hand over his mouth and pushed with all my might. "Dillan!" I screamed, "this has to stop, right here, what you are doing needs to stop!" My voice was shaking along with the rest of my body. He stood there in a daze looking at me like I was crazy. "I like you alot Dill, and I don't want to mess up our relationship by being horny idiots, and no offense but, I don't think we could ever date each other. Your just not my type." I waited for him to answer but he just looked at me with his mouth hanging open and slowly sat down at the table. I could see his mind thinking of something to say, some kind of rebuttle. "What exactly is your type Jacy? You haven't had one trace of a boyfriend in the four years I've known you! Shit, if we didn't live together I would think you were a damn virgin!" I sat down at the table with him, "Oh, come on Dillan! Why does that even matter! So what if I were a virgin! That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard! How can you--" He slammed his hand down on the table making the shot glasses rattle. "That isn't the point girl! The point is you need to stop being such a prude and give some poor guy a chance. I mean I've been chasing you for so long and you never even gave me the time of day." He put his hand on his forehead and looked down. "We are friends, thats all we ever were, I thought--" He looked up at me, his eyes on fire, "Yeah, yeah, you thought this, you thought that! You never thought that maybe, just maybe I wanted more than a friendship with you? You're so focused on not caring that you can't even realize how much others care for you!" I couldn't think of anything to say to him that would make this better. "I had no idea you wanted me like that, why didn't you say something?" I reached out to grab his hand, but he pulled it away from me standing up trying not to look me in the eyes. "I'm going to go lay down, I feel the second hangover hitting me. See ya later Jac." With that he left me sitting there like a moron not knowing which way is up. I decided to go work on my term paper then maybe take a snooze myself. I sat down at my computer and started going through my notes when my phone vibrated, it was a message from Callie. Hey, can I come over? Mark is at home. I'm not in the mood to talk to him. I sent her a quick text back saying, come on over, and got back to my term paper. I could hear Dillan snoring in the room across the hall, I turned off my computer and headed downstairs to wait for Callie. She came storming through the door and slamed it behind her. "Damn, take it easy on my house." She gave me a look from hell so I shut my mouth. "He's denying it all Jac! He's denying that he ever cheated on me!" I paused a moment to see if she would say anything else, then I took her hand, "Did you tell him that someone saw him with someone else?" She looked at me eyes full of tears, "He said that guy would say anything to get in my pants, then he got mad at me for sleeping with someone else! I just can't believe this is happening, I thought we would get married and buy a house. This is such bull shit!" I stood up and got us both a cup of coffee and sat back down at the table. Callie took her cup in both hands like she was a victim of  rape or something and sipped it slowly. She is such a drama queen, I could see her trying to make her hands shake, sucking on my pitty tit. I pretended I didn't notice. "Well, you can stay here as long as you want. You know that, and I'm very sorry life didn't go as you planned but, shit happens hun. You just need to try and move on." She smiled a little half smile and looked out the window. "You always say what I need to hear Jac, thank you. Do you mind if I take a nap?" I needed to finish my term paper so I had no problem with that. "Oh, yea! Of course Callie, you can crash in my room. Try and be quiet 'cause Dillan is asleep up there too." She smiled at me and headed upstairs, I followed to grab my computer and then headed down to work. I wrote for about an hour before passing out on the couch. To be continued

To Clear Some Things Up...

I want to let everyone who reads my blog know that the story I am writing "Story of My Life" is not in fact about MY life(I know, confusing (: ). I may make descriptions of  people and things that are in my life but the characters are completely fictional and do not relflect on anyone in particular (besides looks they don't count though, I describe things I see and have seen, they inspire not create). The story started as a no name, and after a while I became tired of that. So, I thought about how it started and where I was going with it at that point. I realized that it is about a woman whose life is basically falling apart all around her and she feels helpless. She begins to think back on her past and the turn of events that lead up to her failing marraige and her horrible sadness. In conclusion, the title "Story of My Life" is quite fitting, even though it is not the story of my life. I hope that clears up any confusions. Furthermore, I will only be writing a short amount of the story on my blog, I will be stopping soon. If you want to read the rest I will be attempting to get it published so look for it on shelves near you!! (corny (: ) However, if I cannot accomplish this (but it would be so awesome if I did!!) I will post the rest of the story here for you all to read. So be prepared for a sudden stop at a spot that will leave  you wanting MORE! haha!  Thanks so much for reading!! -Nic

Chapter 2- Story of my Life continued

I told Callie to meet me at this little diner down the street from our house, it's  called Jonny's I think. It has great breakfast food for the hungover patron. I walk in and to my left there is an attached gas station with cheap crap lining the walls and a very cranky looking cashier giving me the death look from behind the register. I shoot her a slight smile, more like a grimace, then turned toward the restaurant. I could smell bacon and eggs, hash browns, and fresh coffee, a nice dark roast. The dining room was dim, almost all of the light came in through the blinds on the large windows surrounding the room. The sunlight seeped through each slit and made the room golden in the early light. Dust and other unknown particles flitted through the golden streams, it almost looked like there was a glitter party there the night before. There was a brown sign with gold lettering reading, Please seat yourself, so I found a booth in the far corner and sat down to wait for Callie. We liked to stay under the radar. Looking out the window I thought about my term paper, that lead me to thinking about Dillan. My head filled with, what the hell, and, why the hell questions, and my heart felt heavy and I was confused "Hey hon, can I get you anything?" The waitresses' voice snapped me out of my trance. I turned toward her with a jump, "Oh, I'm sorry dear I didn't mean to scare you! Can I get you anything to drink?" She had a sweet smile like a warm summer day, her hair was up in a sloppy bun and strands of it fell onto her cheek bones like little ribbons. Her baby doll pink uniform was unflattering to her round physique and looked a size too small. "Uh, s-sure I'll have a coffee, you know what just bring a pot for us please." I was still shaken from being brought back to reality so suddenly. "Alrighty, no problem!" she chirped as she bounced off to the kitchen. I turned my gaze toward the window again and watched the cars on the highway, I wondered where they were going today and who they were, who they were with, loved ones, friends, enemies? The thoughts kept coming as my eyes wandered the skies and clouds. There were birds sitting high on the telephone lines singing their morning tunes while the world whirred by beneath them. I sighed out, relieved that my life was as simple as it was. I could feel someone approaching so I turned from the window. It was Callie followed by our waitress with a pot of coffee and two cups. Callie plopped down in the seat across from me, she smelled like stale cigarettes and sour milk, probably vomit. "That party was insane Jac, I feel like shit! You look amazing of course! How do you do it?" Callie was skinny, almost too skinny, she had on a black leather mini skirt with matching leather knee high boots, a bright pink tank top that said PLAYMATE on it and a jacket with some kind of fake fur. Her make up was smeared under her eyes and her dark hair was pulled into a messy pony tail. "Wow, you look like shit too!" I snicker as she peels her jacket off. "I was horrid this morning but I did this thing that helps alot! I took a shower. Why didn't you take a shower?" She looked up at me from her coffee cup like I told her her cat died or something tragic of those sorts. Her hands began to shake and I felt guilty, maybe that was a little mean but I didn't think it would make her cry. "Oh, Callie, I'm sorry, what is it?" I grabbed her hand and it was so cold it made me jump. "I met someone at your place last night." She wouldn't even look up at me, just down at the coffee in her cup like a shamed child. "O.K.-- you meet lots of people at my house Callie that's never bothered you before. What's the deal?" She shot a glance at my face then turned her gaze out the window. "You know how Mark and I got into a fight last night before the party?" she still wouldn't look at me. "Yeah, that's why he didn't come over right." I stated. "Yea." Her voice was barely a whisper that time. "Well, what is it Callie? You know you can tell me." She sighed out heavily and looked at me,  eyes sunken into her thin face. "Well, I met this guy, uh, Logan is his name I think. I don't really remember, ugh! I feel so stupid!" she buried her face in her hands and began to sob quietly. Callie and Mark had been together for almost 4 years now. All of us met senior year of high school, Dillan, Mark, Callie, Trevor and I all had home room together the whole year. Mark and Callie fell hard and fast for each other, while the rest of us just remained friends. They didn't always see eye to eye on some matters but, they were meant to be that was clear. I could tell where this was going, I grabbed her hands and made her look at me. "It's O.K. Cal, everyone makes mistakes--" just then she ripped her hands from mine and I was left sitting with my mouth open once again. "You don't understand Jacy. I don't love him anymore!" That was something I did not expect. She had been crazy about him for 4 years, "Wh-what happened?" I stuttered "He cheated on me." She said quietly, looking out the window again. "He cheated on me last year with that slut I saw him with at Trevor's place. He told me nothing happened but, this guy I met last night, he said he saw the them together. He said he walked in on them doing 'the nasty' he called it. I just can't believe it! I've been oblivious to it for a whole year! He lied to my face more than once about her. It just makes me sick to my stomach! How could he do this to me and live with it for a year? Who is to say he wouldn't have gone longer, if I didn't find out." I sat for a moment trying to think of the right words to say to her. "I'm sorry Cal, that's low. Is that what you guys fought about before the party?" "No," she said quietly, "He got mad at me because he thought I was cheating on him! When I found out he was the one cheating, well that's when got black out drunk! Then Logan asked if I wanted to go back to his place, and of course I'm so drunk I go right along! Ugh, pathetic. Anyway, that's why I'm not clean, got bad news, got fucked up, got laid, and didn't go home. I woke up this morning and couldn't believe myself. I noticed your message and took off. Honestly, I don't think I could eat right now. I'll be right back." She hurried off to the bathroom and as if on cue the waitress was back. "You ready to order hunnie?" Her voice was concerned like she knew something was wrong. "Uh, we'll just stick with coffee for now, thank you." "Alrighty then!" She smiled and walked away. Callie hadn't surfaced from the bathroom yet, so I looked around the restaurant. I realized I hadn't looked at the time once this morning, I searched the cluttered walls for a clock but there was clearly no room.  So instead I walk around to the booth in front of us. I know someone was seated there because our waitress took their order after she checked on us. They must have came when Callie was crying so I didn't notice. When I turned towards the booth I didn't expect to see a familiar face. "Jake?" I said, thinking about how coincidental this was. He looked up at me, he didn't look surprised to see me. "Hey, how you doing beautiful?" He smiled and sipped his coffee. "Go ahead, sit down." He nodded towards the seat across from him. "Uh, I'm here with a friend actually so--" He put his hand up and said, "Come on, we can share a table. I'll get your bill." He gestured again to the seat across from him. "We are actually having kind of a private conversation over here , I just came to ask for the time so--" before I could finish I was interrupted by desperation. "Don't be stupid Jacy!" I heard Callie's high pitched voice come from behind me. I turned to see her all cleaned up, hair brushed and scrunched, make up fixed, and smelling like her Victoria's Secret perfume. Not that I'm complaining, it's better than vomit. "But, Callie we were talking about Mar--" she slapped her hand over my mouth before I could finish. "Shh!" she hissed."He's cute! You need to flirt with him!" Callie was always playing match maker with me and random guys I care nothing about. She thinks I live with too many guys and don't date enough of them. "We can talk about me later! Lets get you laid!" I rolled my eyes and looked at her like she was crazy, "I don't need to get laid! Your being ridiculous, come on." I started walking back to our booth but she grabbed my arm. "He offered to pay for our meal Jac, please! I'm sad, this will make me happy." I pushed out a sigh and walked to get my purse from our retired booth. She sat in the seat across form him right on the edge so I had no room to sit next to her. Jake was looking at her with a smirk. He knew exactly what she was doing, but she didn't care. He didn't seem to mind her elementary behavior either. So I took the seat next to him and put my purse between us. "So nice of you to invite us!" Callie said a little too excited about her success with all of this. "Oh, no problem it's my pleasure to have two lovely ladies in my booth with me." I noticed a slight southern accent in his voice. It was deep and velvety like silk and his words flicked off his tongue effortlessly. He had a crooked smile that he couldn't seem to extinguish. Callie was right he is cute. I was too flustered this morning to notice. He had a  dusting of freckles where the sun had kissed his cheeks just right. His eyes were a gentle brown that just invited me in and I wasn't uncomfortable to be sitting so close like I thought I would be. "Have you two ordered anything?" he asked looking into my eyes way to deeply for the kind of question he was asking me. I just starred at him for a moment that turned awkward when Callie kicked me from under the table. "Ouch! What the hell!" she jumped and looked at Jake to see his reaction, but he wasn't looking at her. "Uh, I'm sorry," I stuttered trying to shake the butterflies in my stomach. "No, we have not ordered yet, just coffee. Oh, Jake, this is Callie. Callie, Jake." It was then he turned his attention to Callie and took her hand, "Nice to meet ya Callie." he said turning back to me again. His back was against the wall and he was facing me directly. "So, do you want to order? Or are you two those kind of girls who don't eat." I could see Callie cringe out of the corner of my eye, she has struggled with an eating disorder her whole life. She is having a rough time right now. Sometimes it's better and she looks good but then something triggers a memory and she takes a spiral downward. Mark was always good at bringing her up when she would get down but the tension in the relationship must have been getting to her for a few weeks, she was looking pretty thin. "Of course we are going to eat!" she snapped not trying to. "No, we are not those kind of girls!" He looked surprised now, then seemed to notice how skinny she was. I could tell he felt sorry. He flagged the waitress and we placed our orders. Callie claimed her hangover wouldn't let her eat anything right now, so she didn't order. We ate our food and had our awkward conversations and then it was time to go. I was trying to keep Jake from paying for my meal. I didn't really like strange men buying me food. "Please, don't worry about it, you don't have to pay for me to eat with you. I have plenty of money." I grabbed the check from the table before anyone else could and was holding in my hand, digging furiously through my purse looking for my wallet. He looked at me with that crooked smile and leaned towards me until he was maybe three inches away from my face. "Chill out lil' lady, I got this one. Next ones on you." He said it matter-of-factly but the words flowed from his mouth and into my ears drowning out any buzz from the restaurant. All I could hear was my heart pounding, and the sound of his voice. "O.K. then..." I barely mumbled the words. He grabbed the check with two fingers and slowly slid it out of my clenched fist, reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. The waitress came to claim the money and went off to retrieve his change. I sat in a daze, I couldn't wait to get out of there. Callie was the life of the party, chatting it up with Mr. Pays the Bill! I don't know why it bothered me so much, I guess maybe I felt violated for some stupid reason. I have some boundary issues, probably why I have so many guy friends but can't seem to see myself settling down with any of them. As soon as the waitress dropped his change I said my thank yous and high tailed it to my car. I could hear Callie screaming at me, "SLOW DOWN JAC! I NEED A RIDE MY CAR IS OUT OF GA-" her voice gets cut off by my car door slamming. Then just the silence of my car, for a moment. The next thing I know Callie is knocking on the passenger window and pulling on the door handle really fast so it made an annoying noise. I unlock the doors and she climbs in. "What is your deal? Are you crazy? He is so- into you! And- and he is so- hott!! Why are you such a cold fish? He totally has a good job, did you see all the green in that wallet! Whoa, I mean if you were to date him, take me shopping with you! HA! Ya know-" I couldn't listen to her freaking out anymore, I was already freaked out. I have had one hell of a morning and it's not even noon. "Callie!" I screamed so loud my ear drums vibrated. She fell silent and gawked at me like an idiot. "Please, Callie, shut up! I will give you a ride if you can be quiet and not say another word about that boy! O.K. Thank you." We sat in silence all the way to Callie's apartment. When we got there she looked over at me, she still looked stunned. "I'm sorry Jacy, I didn't mean to piss you off. I just think-" I put my finger over her lips. "No, please don't say anything about Jake. Call me later O.K. I have to go home and work on my paper. I'm not mad don't worry." She looked down and then back up at me. "Alright Jac, I'll see ya later."
Now all I had to worry about was going home to face Dillan. Should be fantastic.

tired

im so tired of being strong.
tired of being the one who takes all the blame.
tired of being the one who doesn't get upset.
im tired of being the one who doesn't do anything.
tired of being the one who stays home all the time.
tired of trying so hard, but never doing anything right.
im tired of having to smile at all times.
tired of not being able to cry.
tired of being worthless.
im tired.
tired of not cooking enough food.
tired of not doing enough laundry.
im tired.
just tired of being tired....

Chapter 2-Story of my Life

I could hear traffic on the highway and birds chirping outside my window. The sun shone too brightly in through the shades, it made my temples throb relentlessly. I opened my eyes slowly, my eyelids stuck together with dried tears and crusty mascara making a glue that burned when I blinked. My eyes fluttered trying to adjust to the light. The room was hot, too hot, it made me sick to my stomach. I sat up, too fast, the room began to spin all around me tossing waves of nausea through my whole body. I threw myself back on to the pillow as my stomach heaved, I breathed slowly in, out, in, out, trying to hold in the bile that was attempting to escape from my wrenching gut. I could feel it in my throat slowly climbing up my esophagus. "Oh, no-" I moaned as I hauled myself out of that bed faster that a fat kid running towards a buffet. I just barely made it to the toilet before blowing chunks all over the walls. After the mess was flushed down I let my head lie on my arm for a few minutes while my stomach calmed down. This time when I lifted my head it didn't pound as intensely as before. I stood slowly and staggered out into the living room where Dillan was sitting. He looked just as miserable as I was, I plopped down on the couch next to him, he handed me a cup of coffee and an aspirin. I nodded in thanks and took it graciously. We sat in silence for a while like we did so many Sunday mornings, looking around at the wreckage caused by last nights party. Beer and vodka bottles covered the kitchen counter, along with some sticky residue, I couldn't imagine it's source. The floor was littered with red solo cups, empty bags of chips and pretzels, and the bodies of our drunk friends. There were at least four people there we couldn't recognize but, that was becoming a regular weekend surprise around here. "So," I said quietly, "should we wake these dumb asses up and get this shit taken care of?" Dillan turned his head toward me, his body didn't move an inch. "No, no, not yet please." He pleaded me. He looked like hell warmed up. "Too much to drink last night buddy?" My voice croaked as I taunted him but, I still managed to hack out a giggle. "Shut up!" he spit the words at me as he laid his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. I was feeling much better after this mornings toilet escapades and that wonderful cup of joe. Apparently he didn't attend these festivities, "You know you just gotta puke man, what are ya doing here suffering?" I asked laughing as I stood to kick the drunk bastards taking up space in the house. "Wake up ya losers!" I shouted loud enough to wake them but, not so loud that my head would explode. Dillan cringed and covered his ears, "Come on Jacy, shut up and sit down! No one is getting up right now." I shot a glance at him that could melt the polar ice caps, thats what he would say to me anyway. "I can't sit around while there is shit all over our house, it's discusting. Look at that, what is that? Is, is that vomit? Oh, hell no! Who did that? I am not cleaning that up! Dillan get up, someone seriously threw up in our sink!" I stood at the sink hoping I was imagining this. "I'll clean it if you just sit down and shut up for ten minutes!" That didn't sound like Dillan. I looked over to him and he was looking at a strange lump on the floor to his left. One of the hungover strangers had the huevos to tell me to shut up in my own house! "Excuse me?" I retorted looking in discust at this lump on the floor. "Please," the lump pleaded, "Unless you want puke on your shag carpet too I suggest you put a cork in it. I'll do what ever you want as soon as I can stand. Just please stop shouting while we all recoupe." I had no rebuttle so I decided to take a shower while the bastards "recouped". "Who is that?" I thought to myself while sudsing my looufa, "Is he the one who threw up in the sink?" As I thought to myself I heard someone come into the bathroom and start taking a piss. It was no female either, I've never heard a chick piss that loud. I opened the curtain an inch to peek out and see who was invading my privacy. It was just Dillan so I closed the curtain and continued my shower. Next thing I knew he was ripping the curtain back and starring at me. "What the hell Dillan!" I yelled trying to cover my naked body with only two hands and a loofa. He looked at me his eyes met my mine and trailed the rest of my body then back to my eyes. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" I shouted even louder this time looking at him like he was crazy. "Just wanted to see something." He said looking me over agian then he closed the curtain and left. "What the hell?" I said to myself feeling violated. He had never done such a thing all these months living together, not once did he get creepy, thats why it worked so well. I finished up my shower, regreting not getting clothes to change into afterwards. I wrapped the towel around my hair and body and peeked out the door, no one was around so I darted upstairs to my room and locked the door." 'just wanted to see something?' what the-" Just then the door knob turned and my door rattled. Someone was trying to come in my room. "Who is it?" I questioned causciously. "Jacy, it's Dill. Can I come in?" he asked as if the shower incident didn't just occur. "No, you wierdo! I'm getting dressed." I said trying not to sound freaked out. "Come on doll, nothin' I haven't already seen." I could hear the laughter in his voice. "Yeah, I didn't authorize that peep show you pig!" I snapped at him. "I'll show you mine, its only fair." he said rattling my door again. "Thanks but, no thanks." I said as I finished getting dressed. I opened my door and tried to squeeze past him but he was blocking my every move. "Hold up now hunnie, where you off to?" He grabbed me and pulled me into him. I shoved him away and quickly ran into the living room. "Don't call me hunnie!!" I screamed. Everyone was slowly waking up now and I could smell a fresh pot of coffee. "What is wrong with him?" I thought to myself as I poured a cup for us both. I handed him his cup and he took it with a grin then winked at me. I couldn't stop myself from starring at him, then I found myself thinking about how attractive he really is. His hair was the color of the leaves in the fall. It carried hues of deep red and brown, with the lightest sheen of yellow. He was tall, about 6 feet maybe more, with a strong body and a kind face. His eyes were green with gold specks and they were warm and seductive. He looked at me and smiled that crooked smile. I was surprised at myself and these feelings that I didn't understand. Ten months living with him and not feeling the tiniest bit of attraction until he rudely disturbed me in the shower not fifteen minutes ago. In fact why would I feel this way? That was creepy and strange, he was all of the sudden interested in me? Was I dreaming some crazy drunk dream and I really hadn't woken up yet? "Hey," a voice brought me back to reality, "What?" I snapped. "Whoa, whoa! Chill, girl." the voice came from the lump on the floor. Not a lump anymore though, he stood infront of me smiling with his hands out in the defense position. He had a kind face, his cheeks were chubby, so was the rest of him come to think of it. He wore a white and red jersey of some sports team I didn't recognize, not that I would recognize any sports jersey. His jeans hung off his ass even though he was wearing a belt. "Sorry," I said quietly looking down at my bare feet. "I'm a little jumpy I guess. What's your name? I'm Jacy." He looked at me like he wasn't sure if he should tell me his name or not. "I know who you are." he said finally. "We met last night, names Jake. You don't remember much huh?" He sure talked to me like he knew me. "Uh, no I guess I don't." I said with a little distain. "Sorry 'bout that, vodka is a memory eraser for me. Can I get you some coffee, Jake?" I was too distracted to notice he already had a cup in his hand. He grinned at me, looked down as if he were embarrassed for me and said, "No thanks, I'm good beautiful." Then he just walked away. "What is going on?" I thought to myself. "Am I in some parallel universe or something?" Dillan sauntered over to me and threw his arm around my shoulder. "Was that guy bothering you Jac?" He asked like a jealous boyfriend. "No, he wasn't bothering me. Thanks for the concern. I think I'm gonna call Callie and go for breakfast." Callie, practically my sister, was always there for me when shit got a little messed up. "Why? Can't you just hang out with us guys? I'll make you breakfast if you stay." He said as I gathered my keys and cell phone. "No, I want to see her. Thanks, I'll be back in a few hours and we can get lunch later. K?" I dialed her number and listened for the ring but it went straight to voicemail. "Shit!" I said under my breath. "No answer doll?" Dillan questioned and let out a chorttle. "No, she must be sleeping it off still I guess. I'm gonna go to my room and work on my term paper until all these people clear out. Then we have to clean up this pit." I told him hoping that would get him to leave me alone. Unfortunatley, that didn't happen. "Want some help? I'm a wizz at term papers!" He looked like an excited puppy and I wondered again where these affections were coming from all of the sudden. "No Dill, it's alright. I have it under control. I only have a couple pages left. Thanks though, if you  need anything you know where to find me." I regreted saying that. It was like a direct invitation for him to bother me, or hit on me now, I guess. That is exactly what he took it for too. I wasn't in my room five minutes before he was barging in and plopping himself down onto my bed. "Jacy, I've been thinking." he said in a tone that made me nervous. "What's that?" I pretended not to be influenced by his strange behavior. Even though the whole conversation gave me the creeps, I still wanted to have it for a reason unknown to me. "I've been thinking that this sextual tension between us needs to be addressed." I looked at him with my mouth hanging open like a damn idiot. "Sextual tension." I stated matter-of-factly. "Yeah, you know you feel it. I think it's time to stop fighting it and just give in. Ya know?" He looked at me and licked his lips. "It's just that I know you want me, I've seen you look at me, studying me almost. It's ok, I like it." I couldn't even think of words to say to him. Finally I forced my lips to say, "Wh-what?" I laughed uncomfortably, "I wasn't aware of any 'sextual tension' Dillan." I turned toward him in my chair so I could face this properly. "Oh, don't be like that, you little liar." he bellowed like a big headed bastard. "You don't have to pretend anymore, I'm into you too babe." I shook my head, and then as if by some friggen miracle Callie's ring tone filled up the room and I snatched up my phone to answer as fast as possible. Dillan rolled his eyes and stormed out of the room. He stopped in the doorway and said, "We will finish this later." and then he was gone. I invited Callie to breakfast, then left in a confused daze.  To be continued.....

screwed no matter what....

Hey ya'll. I am so tired of sitting places by myself while everyone else seems to be having a wonderful time. Why does it seem everyone else has a life except me? Even other mothers do more than I do... This sucks... I'm sick of making plans and then they get ruined somehow. Like the person I have plans with doesn't show up. Am I really that boring that no one wants to hang out with me? Am I seriously that bad!?  I dont understand it... EVERY time! grrrr... I'm so tired of it.... its really starting to piss me off. I'm done being sad and upset about it, now I'm pissed. Just because I have kids doesnt mean I shouldnt have a life.... maybe I should just forget about friends and doing anything with them ever again. I guess.

Chapter 1- Story of my Life continued

I tried to think as your words flooded into my ears, "How could you do this?" you asked with a look so innocent, I will never forget it. So, grief stricken that I wanted to die for putting you in that much pain. My gut wrenched and my head pounded so hard I could hear it in my ears. Thoughts were incomprehensible, going around in circles, never coming to a solid answer. Words couldn't leave my mouth, I opened it to speak but I couldn't even summon up a whisper. You looked at me for a few minutes, tears pouring from your eyes. Honestly, I don't think you really wanted to know anything at that point. You just wanted to walk away, far away from me. I was a traitor, a liar, and to top it off I was never very good at being a home maker. There were days that things didn't get done. Sometimes a couple days in a row but, I would do it, eventually. It was never unbearable by any means. You acted like it was though, the slightest mess and, 'The house is kinda a disaster isn't it Hon?' It doesn't matter now I suppose, like I said, there are bigger problems here.
I was still fighting my mind for an answer to your question, and all of the questions that would follow. Your face distorted into a mess of desperation. You dropped to your knees, one cracked loudly on the marble tile making me cringe, although you didn't seem to notice any pain. You began to sob hopelessly. I looked at you desperately wanting to embrace you and comfort you the way I would before all of this. Before that night, before you said those words and I left. When I was your only one and you were mine. I stood and started to walk toward you slowly, as if I was moving through water. You put your hands up and lifted your head to look at me, "Stay away from me right now, please." your words were barely a growl behind your clenched teeth. My stomach began to heave at the thought of you not wanting me near you, I backed away quickly to my chair. I couldn't even breath any more and my chest felt like it would cave in. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down, and you did the same. Me on my chair, you crouched on the floor waiting for the perfect time to pounce. It wouldn't be long before everything was out in the open and the words would flow freely from my lips. Until then, silence.

Chapter 1- Story of my Life

I looked around the room and could feel the tears stinging my eyes. The brown and green plaid, love seat was pushed against the wall where our family pictures hung, and the cat slumbered on his scratch post not having a care in the whole world. I was starring blankly, not really looking at anything. I sat across from him on one of the identical lazy-boys we have had for years. So worn there were bald spots in the cheap blue fabric on the arm rests and rump area. We had been looking for furniture to replace all of this crap, something nice and tasteful. With shades of brown and light blue, perfectly matching the brick on the inside wall and the plush carpet we just had installed. Oh, yes we had plans for this room, big, big plans. It was going to be our room, our sanctuary of sorts in all the chaos of our lives, just a quiet room for us to lose ourselves in. But, with all that has happened, with all that will happen, I'm afraid our problems are far beyond which throw pillows we want on our new couch. It will take alot more than that to fix everything, if things are able to be fixed that is. There was a time when we were young and our kids were innocent that I was happy but, not today. I haven't been happy in many years, too many tragedies, too many lies. I want to take back so many things, things I know can't be changed, and things that won't change anything. I made mistakes and hurt you so much and I regret it deeply. I never wanted to do it, or planned to, things just happened in the past that I cannot change.
Tears now flowed freely down my cheeks, I could hear your footsteps coming down the stairs. My heart pounded fiercely, I thought it would leap out and make a run for it so it wouldn't have to feel the pain that was about to be hurled upon it. I choked out a sob as you came closer to the room where I sat, my hands balled into fists so hard my nails were digging into my palms. You stood infront of me, your one-size-too small boxer-briefs hugged your thies tightly leaving your legs sticking out like two tree trunks shoved into a pair of spandex. The stained white t-shirt you were wearing, again, too small, is pulled up showing your bellybutton and surrounding hair. My gaze is then directed to your sweet face looking ever so puzzled in my direction, your sleepy brown eyes are soft and timid right now, although I have seen them filled with fire. Your black hair is a tangled mess sticking all different directions and it is going grey on the sides above your ears. It looks as if someone took a paint brush and softly feathered in the perfect grey highlight to just match your age. I look at you, and I long for the time when our love reigned supreme and there weren't so many things in the way. When we had each other and nothing else mattered.When your very touch gave me chills and sent tingles down my legs and into my toes. A time when you wanted me, craved me, needed me. A time when all that made all the crap worth while, now, it's all crashing down like the emotions I have stacked in my heart and soul for 15 years. My heart longs for the love we once held so dear.
You see my distress, and questions fill your eyes. The first one you say catches me by surprise, I didn't expect you to know so much already. I was hoping I could tell you myself and perhaps explain but, it was plain to see it was far too late for that. To be continued....

things left unsaid

I am a person who holds it in and never shows how hurt I am.
I don't like to bring others down with my pain or sorrow.
It doesn't seem fair to me.
If you see a tear, a smile follows.
I don't want sympathy or pity.
I just want someone to listen to me, and care about what I say.
However, it seems like when I try to confide, it goes horribly wrong.
You get upset and take the blame, when I never gave it to you anyway.
I do get sad and quiet some days, but my love for you remains.
I wish you didn't take things to heart, having no one to talk to can get really hard.
I know you say I can talk with you, but you don't realize the things you do.
I won't burden you with my selfish complaints, I never even tell you if I'm the slightest bit faint.
Your happiness is what is important to me.
I wish I wasn't feeling so sad everyday.
You make me happy it is true, because no one can love me like you do.
I need more than this unfortunately dear, to make my life complete, not mere.
I need time for me, time to go out.
I haven't in so long, I think I've forgotten how.
My chest feels like an empty shell, that my heart is trying so hard to fill.
But, no matter how hard she tries, the bucket always comes up dry.
I love you so much and our babies too, but there is something more I need, I hate to admit it's true.
I need some friends, I need to relax and find some peace.
Away from the kitchen and the laundry up to my knees.
But, most of all,
I wish beyond any wish,
that I could tell you all of this.....

Number 1

Hello all who care to read, my name is Nicole, Nic for short. I have comtemplated creating a blog for some time, but couldn't think of anything I could write about that any person would find interesting enough to sit and read. I have chosen to write a story to get the party started. I haven't thought about what it will be about but, I will begin shortly, maybe even tonight, and I will do a chapter a week, or as often as I can. Unless I feel the intense need to write more! There will be other things besides this story on my blog though. I write songs, poetry, and I do have a thing or two to say about todays society :) I sing, but if that interests you, you can find me on youtube at nicbee2012. Thank you everyone for taking time to read my thoughts, I hope they can inspire you in some way. -Nic P.S. Any suggestions for a story are welcome, I like a challenge :)