Chapter 2-Story of my Life

I could hear traffic on the highway and birds chirping outside my window. The sun shone too brightly in through the shades, it made my temples throb relentlessly. I opened my eyes slowly, my eyelids stuck together with dried tears and crusty mascara making a glue that burned when I blinked. My eyes fluttered trying to adjust to the light. The room was hot, too hot, it made me sick to my stomach. I sat up, too fast, the room began to spin all around me tossing waves of nausea through my whole body. I threw myself back on to the pillow as my stomach heaved, I breathed slowly in, out, in, out, trying to hold in the bile that was attempting to escape from my wrenching gut. I could feel it in my throat slowly climbing up my esophagus. "Oh, no-" I moaned as I hauled myself out of that bed faster that a fat kid running towards a buffet. I just barely made it to the toilet before blowing chunks all over the walls. After the mess was flushed down I let my head lie on my arm for a few minutes while my stomach calmed down. This time when I lifted my head it didn't pound as intensely as before. I stood slowly and staggered out into the living room where Dillan was sitting. He looked just as miserable as I was, I plopped down on the couch next to him, he handed me a cup of coffee and an aspirin. I nodded in thanks and took it graciously. We sat in silence for a while like we did so many Sunday mornings, looking around at the wreckage caused by last nights party. Beer and vodka bottles covered the kitchen counter, along with some sticky residue, I couldn't imagine it's source. The floor was littered with red solo cups, empty bags of chips and pretzels, and the bodies of our drunk friends. There were at least four people there we couldn't recognize but, that was becoming a regular weekend surprise around here. "So," I said quietly, "should we wake these dumb asses up and get this shit taken care of?" Dillan turned his head toward me, his body didn't move an inch. "No, no, not yet please." He pleaded me. He looked like hell warmed up. "Too much to drink last night buddy?" My voice croaked as I taunted him but, I still managed to hack out a giggle. "Shut up!" he spit the words at me as he laid his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. I was feeling much better after this mornings toilet escapades and that wonderful cup of joe. Apparently he didn't attend these festivities, "You know you just gotta puke man, what are ya doing here suffering?" I asked laughing as I stood to kick the drunk bastards taking up space in the house. "Wake up ya losers!" I shouted loud enough to wake them but, not so loud that my head would explode. Dillan cringed and covered his ears, "Come on Jacy, shut up and sit down! No one is getting up right now." I shot a glance at him that could melt the polar ice caps, thats what he would say to me anyway. "I can't sit around while there is shit all over our house, it's discusting. Look at that, what is that? Is, is that vomit? Oh, hell no! Who did that? I am not cleaning that up! Dillan get up, someone seriously threw up in our sink!" I stood at the sink hoping I was imagining this. "I'll clean it if you just sit down and shut up for ten minutes!" That didn't sound like Dillan. I looked over to him and he was looking at a strange lump on the floor to his left. One of the hungover strangers had the huevos to tell me to shut up in my own house! "Excuse me?" I retorted looking in discust at this lump on the floor. "Please," the lump pleaded, "Unless you want puke on your shag carpet too I suggest you put a cork in it. I'll do what ever you want as soon as I can stand. Just please stop shouting while we all recoupe." I had no rebuttle so I decided to take a shower while the bastards "recouped". "Who is that?" I thought to myself while sudsing my looufa, "Is he the one who threw up in the sink?" As I thought to myself I heard someone come into the bathroom and start taking a piss. It was no female either, I've never heard a chick piss that loud. I opened the curtain an inch to peek out and see who was invading my privacy. It was just Dillan so I closed the curtain and continued my shower. Next thing I knew he was ripping the curtain back and starring at me. "What the hell Dillan!" I yelled trying to cover my naked body with only two hands and a loofa. He looked at me his eyes met my mine and trailed the rest of my body then back to my eyes. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" I shouted even louder this time looking at him like he was crazy. "Just wanted to see something." He said looking me over agian then he closed the curtain and left. "What the hell?" I said to myself feeling violated. He had never done such a thing all these months living together, not once did he get creepy, thats why it worked so well. I finished up my shower, regreting not getting clothes to change into afterwards. I wrapped the towel around my hair and body and peeked out the door, no one was around so I darted upstairs to my room and locked the door." 'just wanted to see something?' what the-" Just then the door knob turned and my door rattled. Someone was trying to come in my room. "Who is it?" I questioned causciously. "Jacy, it's Dill. Can I come in?" he asked as if the shower incident didn't just occur. "No, you wierdo! I'm getting dressed." I said trying not to sound freaked out. "Come on doll, nothin' I haven't already seen." I could hear the laughter in his voice. "Yeah, I didn't authorize that peep show you pig!" I snapped at him. "I'll show you mine, its only fair." he said rattling my door again. "Thanks but, no thanks." I said as I finished getting dressed. I opened my door and tried to squeeze past him but he was blocking my every move. "Hold up now hunnie, where you off to?" He grabbed me and pulled me into him. I shoved him away and quickly ran into the living room. "Don't call me hunnie!!" I screamed. Everyone was slowly waking up now and I could smell a fresh pot of coffee. "What is wrong with him?" I thought to myself as I poured a cup for us both. I handed him his cup and he took it with a grin then winked at me. I couldn't stop myself from starring at him, then I found myself thinking about how attractive he really is. His hair was the color of the leaves in the fall. It carried hues of deep red and brown, with the lightest sheen of yellow. He was tall, about 6 feet maybe more, with a strong body and a kind face. His eyes were green with gold specks and they were warm and seductive. He looked at me and smiled that crooked smile. I was surprised at myself and these feelings that I didn't understand. Ten months living with him and not feeling the tiniest bit of attraction until he rudely disturbed me in the shower not fifteen minutes ago. In fact why would I feel this way? That was creepy and strange, he was all of the sudden interested in me? Was I dreaming some crazy drunk dream and I really hadn't woken up yet? "Hey," a voice brought me back to reality, "What?" I snapped. "Whoa, whoa! Chill, girl." the voice came from the lump on the floor. Not a lump anymore though, he stood infront of me smiling with his hands out in the defense position. He had a kind face, his cheeks were chubby, so was the rest of him come to think of it. He wore a white and red jersey of some sports team I didn't recognize, not that I would recognize any sports jersey. His jeans hung off his ass even though he was wearing a belt. "Sorry," I said quietly looking down at my bare feet. "I'm a little jumpy I guess. What's your name? I'm Jacy." He looked at me like he wasn't sure if he should tell me his name or not. "I know who you are." he said finally. "We met last night, names Jake. You don't remember much huh?" He sure talked to me like he knew me. "Uh, no I guess I don't." I said with a little distain. "Sorry 'bout that, vodka is a memory eraser for me. Can I get you some coffee, Jake?" I was too distracted to notice he already had a cup in his hand. He grinned at me, looked down as if he were embarrassed for me and said, "No thanks, I'm good beautiful." Then he just walked away. "What is going on?" I thought to myself. "Am I in some parallel universe or something?" Dillan sauntered over to me and threw his arm around my shoulder. "Was that guy bothering you Jac?" He asked like a jealous boyfriend. "No, he wasn't bothering me. Thanks for the concern. I think I'm gonna call Callie and go for breakfast." Callie, practically my sister, was always there for me when shit got a little messed up. "Why? Can't you just hang out with us guys? I'll make you breakfast if you stay." He said as I gathered my keys and cell phone. "No, I want to see her. Thanks, I'll be back in a few hours and we can get lunch later. K?" I dialed her number and listened for the ring but it went straight to voicemail. "Shit!" I said under my breath. "No answer doll?" Dillan questioned and let out a chorttle. "No, she must be sleeping it off still I guess. I'm gonna go to my room and work on my term paper until all these people clear out. Then we have to clean up this pit." I told him hoping that would get him to leave me alone. Unfortunatley, that didn't happen. "Want some help? I'm a wizz at term papers!" He looked like an excited puppy and I wondered again where these affections were coming from all of the sudden. "No Dill, it's alright. I have it under control. I only have a couple pages left. Thanks though, if you  need anything you know where to find me." I regreted saying that. It was like a direct invitation for him to bother me, or hit on me now, I guess. That is exactly what he took it for too. I wasn't in my room five minutes before he was barging in and plopping himself down onto my bed. "Jacy, I've been thinking." he said in a tone that made me nervous. "What's that?" I pretended not to be influenced by his strange behavior. Even though the whole conversation gave me the creeps, I still wanted to have it for a reason unknown to me. "I've been thinking that this sextual tension between us needs to be addressed." I looked at him with my mouth hanging open like a damn idiot. "Sextual tension." I stated matter-of-factly. "Yeah, you know you feel it. I think it's time to stop fighting it and just give in. Ya know?" He looked at me and licked his lips. "It's just that I know you want me, I've seen you look at me, studying me almost. It's ok, I like it." I couldn't even think of words to say to him. Finally I forced my lips to say, "Wh-what?" I laughed uncomfortably, "I wasn't aware of any 'sextual tension' Dillan." I turned toward him in my chair so I could face this properly. "Oh, don't be like that, you little liar." he bellowed like a big headed bastard. "You don't have to pretend anymore, I'm into you too babe." I shook my head, and then as if by some friggen miracle Callie's ring tone filled up the room and I snatched up my phone to answer as fast as possible. Dillan rolled his eyes and stormed out of the room. He stopped in the doorway and said, "We will finish this later." and then he was gone. I invited Callie to breakfast, then left in a confused daze.  To be continued.....

screwed no matter what....

Hey ya'll. I am so tired of sitting places by myself while everyone else seems to be having a wonderful time. Why does it seem everyone else has a life except me? Even other mothers do more than I do... This sucks... I'm sick of making plans and then they get ruined somehow. Like the person I have plans with doesn't show up. Am I really that boring that no one wants to hang out with me? Am I seriously that bad!?  I dont understand it... EVERY time! grrrr... I'm so tired of it.... its really starting to piss me off. I'm done being sad and upset about it, now I'm pissed. Just because I have kids doesnt mean I shouldnt have a life.... maybe I should just forget about friends and doing anything with them ever again. I guess.

Chapter 1- Story of my Life continued

I tried to think as your words flooded into my ears, "How could you do this?" you asked with a look so innocent, I will never forget it. So, grief stricken that I wanted to die for putting you in that much pain. My gut wrenched and my head pounded so hard I could hear it in my ears. Thoughts were incomprehensible, going around in circles, never coming to a solid answer. Words couldn't leave my mouth, I opened it to speak but I couldn't even summon up a whisper. You looked at me for a few minutes, tears pouring from your eyes. Honestly, I don't think you really wanted to know anything at that point. You just wanted to walk away, far away from me. I was a traitor, a liar, and to top it off I was never very good at being a home maker. There were days that things didn't get done. Sometimes a couple days in a row but, I would do it, eventually. It was never unbearable by any means. You acted like it was though, the slightest mess and, 'The house is kinda a disaster isn't it Hon?' It doesn't matter now I suppose, like I said, there are bigger problems here.
I was still fighting my mind for an answer to your question, and all of the questions that would follow. Your face distorted into a mess of desperation. You dropped to your knees, one cracked loudly on the marble tile making me cringe, although you didn't seem to notice any pain. You began to sob hopelessly. I looked at you desperately wanting to embrace you and comfort you the way I would before all of this. Before that night, before you said those words and I left. When I was your only one and you were mine. I stood and started to walk toward you slowly, as if I was moving through water. You put your hands up and lifted your head to look at me, "Stay away from me right now, please." your words were barely a growl behind your clenched teeth. My stomach began to heave at the thought of you not wanting me near you, I backed away quickly to my chair. I couldn't even breath any more and my chest felt like it would cave in. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down, and you did the same. Me on my chair, you crouched on the floor waiting for the perfect time to pounce. It wouldn't be long before everything was out in the open and the words would flow freely from my lips. Until then, silence.

Chapter 1- Story of my Life

I looked around the room and could feel the tears stinging my eyes. The brown and green plaid, love seat was pushed against the wall where our family pictures hung, and the cat slumbered on his scratch post not having a care in the whole world. I was starring blankly, not really looking at anything. I sat across from him on one of the identical lazy-boys we have had for years. So worn there were bald spots in the cheap blue fabric on the arm rests and rump area. We had been looking for furniture to replace all of this crap, something nice and tasteful. With shades of brown and light blue, perfectly matching the brick on the inside wall and the plush carpet we just had installed. Oh, yes we had plans for this room, big, big plans. It was going to be our room, our sanctuary of sorts in all the chaos of our lives, just a quiet room for us to lose ourselves in. But, with all that has happened, with all that will happen, I'm afraid our problems are far beyond which throw pillows we want on our new couch. It will take alot more than that to fix everything, if things are able to be fixed that is. There was a time when we were young and our kids were innocent that I was happy but, not today. I haven't been happy in many years, too many tragedies, too many lies. I want to take back so many things, things I know can't be changed, and things that won't change anything. I made mistakes and hurt you so much and I regret it deeply. I never wanted to do it, or planned to, things just happened in the past that I cannot change.
Tears now flowed freely down my cheeks, I could hear your footsteps coming down the stairs. My heart pounded fiercely, I thought it would leap out and make a run for it so it wouldn't have to feel the pain that was about to be hurled upon it. I choked out a sob as you came closer to the room where I sat, my hands balled into fists so hard my nails were digging into my palms. You stood infront of me, your one-size-too small boxer-briefs hugged your thies tightly leaving your legs sticking out like two tree trunks shoved into a pair of spandex. The stained white t-shirt you were wearing, again, too small, is pulled up showing your bellybutton and surrounding hair. My gaze is then directed to your sweet face looking ever so puzzled in my direction, your sleepy brown eyes are soft and timid right now, although I have seen them filled with fire. Your black hair is a tangled mess sticking all different directions and it is going grey on the sides above your ears. It looks as if someone took a paint brush and softly feathered in the perfect grey highlight to just match your age. I look at you, and I long for the time when our love reigned supreme and there weren't so many things in the way. When we had each other and nothing else mattered.When your very touch gave me chills and sent tingles down my legs and into my toes. A time when you wanted me, craved me, needed me. A time when all that made all the crap worth while, now, it's all crashing down like the emotions I have stacked in my heart and soul for 15 years. My heart longs for the love we once held so dear.
You see my distress, and questions fill your eyes. The first one you say catches me by surprise, I didn't expect you to know so much already. I was hoping I could tell you myself and perhaps explain but, it was plain to see it was far too late for that. To be continued....

things left unsaid

I am a person who holds it in and never shows how hurt I am.
I don't like to bring others down with my pain or sorrow.
It doesn't seem fair to me.
If you see a tear, a smile follows.
I don't want sympathy or pity.
I just want someone to listen to me, and care about what I say.
However, it seems like when I try to confide, it goes horribly wrong.
You get upset and take the blame, when I never gave it to you anyway.
I do get sad and quiet some days, but my love for you remains.
I wish you didn't take things to heart, having no one to talk to can get really hard.
I know you say I can talk with you, but you don't realize the things you do.
I won't burden you with my selfish complaints, I never even tell you if I'm the slightest bit faint.
Your happiness is what is important to me.
I wish I wasn't feeling so sad everyday.
You make me happy it is true, because no one can love me like you do.
I need more than this unfortunately dear, to make my life complete, not mere.
I need time for me, time to go out.
I haven't in so long, I think I've forgotten how.
My chest feels like an empty shell, that my heart is trying so hard to fill.
But, no matter how hard she tries, the bucket always comes up dry.
I love you so much and our babies too, but there is something more I need, I hate to admit it's true.
I need some friends, I need to relax and find some peace.
Away from the kitchen and the laundry up to my knees.
But, most of all,
I wish beyond any wish,
that I could tell you all of this.....

Number 1

Hello all who care to read, my name is Nicole, Nic for short. I have comtemplated creating a blog for some time, but couldn't think of anything I could write about that any person would find interesting enough to sit and read. I have chosen to write a story to get the party started. I haven't thought about what it will be about but, I will begin shortly, maybe even tonight, and I will do a chapter a week, or as often as I can. Unless I feel the intense need to write more! There will be other things besides this story on my blog though. I write songs, poetry, and I do have a thing or two to say about todays society :) I sing, but if that interests you, you can find me on youtube at nicbee2012. Thank you everyone for taking time to read my thoughts, I hope they can inspire you in some way. -Nic P.S. Any suggestions for a story are welcome, I like a challenge :)